I'm gonna start with some background info, mostly to clear up the obvious theory that this movie's general lack of quality was a result of them not having any money. It wasn't.
- D&D had a budget of $45 million. For comparison, Galaxy Quest (1999), Blade (1998) and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2004) were all made for the same amount of money, at around the same time. The Fellowship of the Ring, which was released one year after D&D, cost $93 million. None of this explains why D&D featured the props and set designs of a '90s live-action Nickelodeon series.
- The director bought the film rights to D&D when he was 19, but it took ten years to fund the film. He'd never directed a movie before, and originally only wanted to produce it, but was somehow ~forced to direct it, for... reasons...?
- 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. 14% on Metacritic. Deservedly, it turns out.
I'll watch anything involving Jeremy Irons erotically clasping some kind of magic/religious sceptre. Fortunately, this is ALL of his movies.I feel like there was a period in the late '90s/early 2000s when Jeremy Irons and Malcolm McDowell were locked in some kind of secret contest to see who could be cast in the most preposterous supervillain roles. But despite Irons' very fine showing in this movie, I fear that McDowell still won in the end. He was in two separate movies in one year in which he played a post-apocalyptic overlord with a robot hand. Two!!
— Hello, Tailor (@Hello_Tailor) January 26, 2014
maguffin and then kill an evil wizard with a bunch of CGI dragons. The basic idea idea was that the hero had to track down a dragon-controlling Magic Rod before Jeremy Irons deposed Khaleesi Amidala (played by Thora Birch). So far, so mediocre. But sadly, the execution of this concept was so unforgivably terrible that just I couldn't let it slide.
Oh yeah, and there's a dwarf character. He has a ginger beard and erupts from a pile of trash halfway through, but doesn't really have a purpose in the movie as far as I could tell. Also, he isn't... actually... a dwarf...? I forgot to GIF him, but I don't have the spiritual energy to go back and make one now. Just imagine a drunk Santa Claus who spilled tomato soup down his beard and likes to start bar fights over money.
|Jeremy Irons & his minion = totally in a BDSM relaysh.|
|Yes, he seriously did interrogate Hermione by shooting worms out of his ears.|
But wait. I see something in the background there. Something vaguely distracting, that for some reason draws focus away from the central scene in which the bland hero is mourning the inevitable death of his black sidekick. What is it?